simple english.

if i gave youu my url,
it means that i gave youu that special permission
t view my blog.
it also means that youure allowed t approach me
t ask or comment about anything.

if i didnt give youu my url,
it means that i didnt give youu the permission
t view my blog.
it also obviously means that youure not supposed
t approach me or comment anything.

is it simple enough ?
not simple enough ?

well, its so obvious that youure intruding my privacy.
cos' i didnt give youu my blog url.
and yet, youure hunting me down for this.
do not tell me that im not supposed t post all this
simply because its a public blog.

mind youu,
its not in the search engine.
cos' i didnt wanna make it a popular blog
t allow so many weird unknown viewing it.
cannt youu see, i only link people close t me.
and they are like the few who are regulars
and allowed in my blog.
so its just youur luck for having
some busybody t reveal my beautiful url.
blame youur fingers for clicking on my link.
blame youur eyes for reading whatever shit i wrote.

do not think that i donnt know how youu get my url.
its totally obvi-oouusss. (:
who else would betray me except my somewhat
good friend

ha, im totally pissed.
for uninvited guests who poke their noses
into my privacy.
my blog.
my life.

did youu ever know that my blog = my life ?
cos' if youu didnt, im telling youu now.
im totally turned off by youur presence here.
i would like my own privacy t be kept in my blog.
and not for YOUU ALL t view,
but only my close friends.

so if youu would please,
buzz off. (:

and yes, im being a total bitch.
im sorry for being sucha low down christian.
call me whatever youu want.
not submissive, un-teachable,
stubborn, rude, worldly ..
my Faith for God is still burning like mad.
but my trust and Faith for youu people,
is a negative.

youu guys changed so much.
when i first joined,
i had totally good impression of youu'all.
i even had t plead my parents t let me
come back here t join the friends ive made.
it felt so warmth and loved with youu guys.

soon,
the mirror cracked.
and the darkness revealed.
i couldnt believe what i was going through.
i didnt know the church was like that.
at that moment,
i thought it was the church.
but soon, i realised its not.
it's the people in the various congregation.

did youu know that i wanted t be a counsellor
since i was 14.
but that dream fades away,
when i got counselled by youu.
i was so scared of counselling.
i feared being counselled.
if that was how i feel,
why would i wanna be a counsellor
and scare other poor kids away ?
i cannt afford t let other people
feel what i felt.
what if their dream were t be a counsellor.
i donnt wanna spoil their dream.
i felt so lost after my dream faded.
im still searching for my dream.
and my future.

what right do youu have t condemn me
for backstabbing others and intruding my privacy.
i was merely trying t express my sorrowfulness
and anger and thoughts and feelings.
is it wrong ?
its not right for a christian t hold anger in them.
so why cannt i just express them on my blog.
do youu want me t keep them all up and
choke my heart till i end up in the
mental institution or even till i die ?
please la.
i would like t keep my thoughts and feelings
t my blog and myself, and my clique/close friends.

and even if i was backstabbing,
it doesnt give youu any right t condemn me.
youu may not know,
but im fully aware of people backstabbing me
and everyone else.
do youu know how i feel ?
do youu even know how it feels t be backstabbed
by close friends.
DO YOUU KNOW ?
youu donnt. cos' it's always the first hand info youu
get and then conclude from there.
cannt youu think out of the box.
why cannt youu ask youurself this question
why is he/she doing this ?
before even counselling people.
people do have a reason why they do it.

youu all act like youu care.
if youu all cared enough,
do youu know how i felt
for the past few months in church ?
DO YOUU KNOW.
i doubt youu knew.
let me tell youu how i feel.
i felt like shit.
i felt so lonely.
i felt like nobody was there.
i felt like people in church just acted like they care
and love when youu first join church and throw
youu away in the thrash when youu are longtime
church goer.
i felt like giving up.
i struggled t move on.
i struggled t go church, having nobody t talk t.
having t watch everyone in their cliques.
either the smart ones together,
or the makan kakis.
see, do youu get a clear view
of how i was treated.
a person may seem happy on the outside,
but actually in the inside,
she's breaking into pieces.
im grossed out by how youu guys show
youu care and at the same time sad.
instead of showing youu guys cared,
youu all showed the angry side.
the way youu guys counsel,
tells me that youu all are angry with me
for not being perfect.
it took me long from picking myself up.
i cry out t God for nuts.
i had no answer for long.
i went mad and
one night,
God gave me this verse.
Jobs 33:13
Jobs 33:8-12
that was when i got up on my feet.
feeling better as i knew that
someone was right next t me,
walking this hard and rocky road.
God is indeed better than any man on earth.


i feel like a bird,
stucked in the cage.
surrounding me are
bird hunters,
observing and
controlling us.
it seems t me that
we must be perfect
for youu guys inorder
not t be counselled.

everyone has their own faults.
why cannt youu guys just accept that
we arent perfect and not counsel us
for every little thing we do.

do youu know how much i hate counselling.
i hate it that much i hate the devil.
cos when youu counsel me,
i get scolded for everything.
youu know why i cry during counselling,
not because i feel guilty.
but because im scared of counselling.
youu guys have birth upon me a new phobia.
counselling.
it was a really nice job t me last time
till i got counselled by youu.


youu want respect, show me youurs first.
since ive heard that youu've been reading my blog,
i want youu t know that i had always enjoyed cgm
and services. i always loved those fun times our cg
had together. the love of cgm and services has a
place in my heart. but im really reluctant and sad t
have come t a point where im only going for services.
i do not wish t be counselled.
and although i might not be regulary attending any
cgm, i might just join in any cgm now and then.
i know this decision is a regretful one.
but if i go cgm, scared and nervous,
i see no point in going.

i knew about youur chat with my mum.
donnt worry about ryan and me.
she talked t me about it.
she said she didnt mind who i was
going with and as long as we were
living a healthy relationship.
and yes, we are. (:
the reason for not letting youu know,
is basically youur rejection.
i see no point in breaking up.
i love him. and yes, i really do.
if i were t regret next time,
let me regret. i wonnt blame anyone.
another reason for not letting youu know,
is counselling.
i donnt wish t repeat.

youu told my mum that its wrong t bad
mouth about the members in church.
im so sorry for that but i think its freakin
unfair for youu t say that. our zone is big.
our cg is small. if youu poke youur heads
into this groups, i think youu gotta call up
more parents t complain. (:

and for youur information,
my mum and ryan himself has been
asking me t sit down with youu for youur
counselling session aka scolding session.
but i do not wish t do so. my mum told me
t just hear youu out and i do not have t listen.
she basically said that its their parents duty
t care and watch their children.
youu guys have no right t poke in this business.


my mouth is dry from expressing my thoughts.
but before i end, i would like t apologise for
my bitchy attitude here and for being rude if
i was. sorry. but i just wanna say that i felt like
expressing my feelings.


(: ohh well, sorry for this awfully long entry.
im running late.
meeting nicholas.

AGAPE.