BEAUTIFIED PRINCESS x. FEAT. Miss Beauty Queen.

Monday, October 31

10:54 PM

t youu.
maybe whatever i've heard is made up by someone.
i think my blog must have been viewed by so many people now.
im sorry if i wrongly accused youu and youur boy.
im sorry if i took someone's word for real.
im sorry for whatever names i called youu outta anger.
im sorry for jumpin into conclusion.
im sorry for nagging.
im sorry for doing all my shit t youu guys.
im sorry for being sucha bitch.

im sorry for whatever shit i gave t youu
and youur boy and the leaders.
and the cellgroup.
i give up.
i donnt wanna know anything.
i donnt wish t say anymore alr.
fullstop t this.

im tired of all this.
people tell me story.
i believe.
another tell me its not true.
i get confused.
so in the end,
im still stuck here.

okay for whatever i said about anyone, im sorry.
blame me if youu guys want t.
call me whatever youu want.
i donnt know what t do anymore.
life is horrible.
life is black.
life is never perfect.
cos' i was never perfect.

God, how ?

3:36 PM

simple english.

if i gave youu my url,
it means that i gave youu that special permission
t view my blog.
it also means that youure allowed t approach me
t ask or comment about anything.

if i didnt give youu my url,
it means that i didnt give youu the permission
t view my blog.
it also obviously means that youure not supposed
t approach me or comment anything.

is it simple enough ?
not simple enough ?

well, its so obvious that youure intruding my privacy.
cos' i didnt give youu my blog url.
and yet, youure hunting me down for this.
do not tell me that im not supposed t post all this
simply because its a public blog.

mind youu,
its not in the search engine.
cos' i didnt wanna make it a popular blog
t allow so many weird unknown viewing it.
cannt youu see, i only link people close t me.
and they are like the few who are regulars
and allowed in my blog.
so its just youur luck for having
some busybody t reveal my beautiful url.
blame youur fingers for clicking on my link.
blame youur eyes for reading whatever shit i wrote.

do not think that i donnt know how youu get my url.
its totally obvi-oouusss. (:
who else would betray me except my somewhat
good friend

ha, im totally pissed.
for uninvited guests who poke their noses
into my privacy.
my blog.
my life.

did youu ever know that my blog = my life ?
cos' if youu didnt, im telling youu now.
im totally turned off by youur presence here.
i would like my own privacy t be kept in my blog.
and not for YOUU ALL t view,
but only my close friends.

so if youu would please,
buzz off. (:

and yes, im being a total bitch.
im sorry for being sucha low down christian.
call me whatever youu want.
not submissive, un-teachable,
stubborn, rude, worldly ..
my Faith for God is still burning like mad.
but my trust and Faith for youu people,
is a negative.

youu guys changed so much.
when i first joined,
i had totally good impression of youu'all.
i even had t plead my parents t let me
come back here t join the friends ive made.
it felt so warmth and loved with youu guys.

soon,
the mirror cracked.
and the darkness revealed.
i couldnt believe what i was going through.
i didnt know the church was like that.
at that moment,
i thought it was the church.
but soon, i realised its not.
it's the people in the various congregation.

did youu know that i wanted t be a counsellor
since i was 14.
but that dream fades away,
when i got counselled by youu.
i was so scared of counselling.
i feared being counselled.
if that was how i feel,
why would i wanna be a counsellor
and scare other poor kids away ?
i cannt afford t let other people
feel what i felt.
what if their dream were t be a counsellor.
i donnt wanna spoil their dream.
i felt so lost after my dream faded.
im still searching for my dream.
and my future.

what right do youu have t condemn me
for backstabbing others and intruding my privacy.
i was merely trying t express my sorrowfulness
and anger and thoughts and feelings.
is it wrong ?
its not right for a christian t hold anger in them.
so why cannt i just express them on my blog.
do youu want me t keep them all up and
choke my heart till i end up in the
mental institution or even till i die ?
please la.
i would like t keep my thoughts and feelings
t my blog and myself, and my clique/close friends.

and even if i was backstabbing,
it doesnt give youu any right t condemn me.
youu may not know,
but im fully aware of people backstabbing me
and everyone else.
do youu know how i feel ?
do youu even know how it feels t be backstabbed
by close friends.
DO YOUU KNOW ?
youu donnt. cos' it's always the first hand info youu
get and then conclude from there.
cannt youu think out of the box.
why cannt youu ask youurself this question
why is he/she doing this ?
before even counselling people.
people do have a reason why they do it.

youu all act like youu care.
if youu all cared enough,
do youu know how i felt
for the past few months in church ?
DO YOUU KNOW.
i doubt youu knew.
let me tell youu how i feel.
i felt like shit.
i felt so lonely.
i felt like nobody was there.
i felt like people in church just acted like they care
and love when youu first join church and throw
youu away in the thrash when youu are longtime
church goer.
i felt like giving up.
i struggled t move on.
i struggled t go church, having nobody t talk t.
having t watch everyone in their cliques.
either the smart ones together,
or the makan kakis.
see, do youu get a clear view
of how i was treated.
a person may seem happy on the outside,
but actually in the inside,
she's breaking into pieces.
im grossed out by how youu guys show
youu care and at the same time sad.
instead of showing youu guys cared,
youu all showed the angry side.
the way youu guys counsel,
tells me that youu all are angry with me
for not being perfect.
it took me long from picking myself up.
i cry out t God for nuts.
i had no answer for long.
i went mad and
one night,
God gave me this verse.
Jobs 33:13
Jobs 33:8-12
that was when i got up on my feet.
feeling better as i knew that
someone was right next t me,
walking this hard and rocky road.
God is indeed better than any man on earth.

i feel like a bird,
stucked in the cage.
surrounding me are
bird hunters,
observing and
controlling us.
it seems t me that
we must be perfect
for youu guys inorder
not t be counselled.

everyone has their own faults.
why cannt youu guys just accept that
we arent perfect and not counsel us
for every little thing we do.

do youu know how much i hate counselling.
i hate it that much i hate the devil.
cos when youu counsel me,
i get scolded for everything.
youu know why i cry during counselling,
not because i feel guilty.
but because im scared of counselling.
youu guys have birth upon me a new phobia.
counselling.
it was a really nice job t me last time
till i got counselled by youu.

youu want respect, show me youurs first.
since ive heard that youu've been reading my blog,
i want youu t know that i had always enjoyed cgm
and services. i always loved those fun times our cg
had together. the love of cgm and services has a
place in my heart. but im really reluctant and sad t
have come t a point where im only going for services.
i do not wish t be counselled.
and although i might not be regulary attending any
cgm, i might just join in any cgm now and then.
i know this decision is a regretful one.
but if i go cgm, scared and nervous,
i see no point in going.

i knew about youur chat with my mum.
donnt worry about ryan and me.
she talked t me about it.
she said she didnt mind who i was
going with and as long as we were
living a healthy relationship.
and yes, we are. (:
the reason for not letting youu know,
is basically youur rejection.
i see no point in breaking up.
i love him. and yes, i really do.
if i were t regret next time,
let me regret. i wonnt blame anyone.
another reason for not letting youu know,
is counselling.
i donnt wish t repeat.

youu told my mum that its wrong t bad
mouth about the members in church.
im so sorry for that but i think its freakin
unfair for youu t say that. our zone is big.
our cg is small. if youu poke youur heads
into this groups, i think youu gotta call up
more parents t complain. (:

and for youur information,
my mum and ryan himself has been
asking me t sit down with youu for youur
counselling session aka scolding session.
but i do not wish t do so. my mum told me
t just hear youu out and i do not have t listen.
she basically said that its their parents duty
t care and watch their children.
youu guys have no right t poke in this business.

my mouth is dry from expressing my thoughts.
but before i end, i would like t apologise for
my bitchy attitude here and for being rude if
i was. sorry. but i just wanna say that i felt like
expressing my feelings.

(: ohh well, sorry for this awfully long entry.
im running late.
meeting nicholas.

AGAPE.

Saturday, October 29

4:21 PM

havent update for a week ! (:
monday.
had rock climbing. i love rock climbing ! ha, it was fun.
i love the challenges and belaying is one of the highlights.
i almost killed sam and hilda. ha, didnt hook the thingy
properly. my apologies. =x mable and daphne was tortured
by me. heh. they didnt wanna climb t the top so i used the
rope t wack their heads. hahas. and did i mention that
instructor was handsome ? (: sure he was cute.
eye candy for the day.
i know i hurt my boobs that day. stupid rock =/ no comments.

ohh yes. i mistook ernestine for mable ?! wth. i donnt even know
her and i blurly bought the drink and looked at the coins on my hand
not knowing who i was talking t. i asked "mable" how much i owe her
then the real mable tapped me and everyone behind were laughing.
i thought i had double vision. =x two mables ?! then i saw ernestine's
face - -.-?? i was damn embarrassed. okay whatever.

i did enjoy myself though. (:
f i v e s t a r s

...

tuesday.
had maths trail. it was pretty fun this time. i had t join the
hearing impaired girls cos i was the leader ? okay. they
asked why i leader, mable said cos im mr lim's sleeping
beauty. grooosss. phoebe was in my group for the first
water activity. we won that game after so much debate
and argue with my actual group - daphne der mable. (:
i guess this trail was the best in my previous years.
had 34/40. not bad - if only it was my maths script.

...

wednesday.
went t the NEWater place. it stinks like hell. and there was
this up-slope t the entrance. daphne asked us t do a catwalk.
a CATWALK UPSLOPE ?! right. hmmm intelligent question.
had a few talks and videos t watch. i remembered this video
of goh chok tong speaking then they put the year below t indicate
from what year t what year he was prime minister. debrah said
loudly " he die alr ard ? " omgawd. super funny.
went t this hall, had 'games' which youu can play/learn. then there
was this glass which covered the water that was flowing. daphne
and i didnt know what both of us were gonna do, did the same thing.
we leaned our hand on the 'glass' and both screamed at the same
time. we thought the glass covered the water ha. ended up with smelly
newater on us. (:

...

thursday.
pretty high day. (:
had class room cleaning but didnt bother t clean.
was slacking around outside the staffroom when
sam was asking mr ng why she was retaining. i
decided t kick the feeling of boredom and dance
around. i asked mable and daphne t join me behind
when i passed by them. such friends =x they watched
then after a distance i stopped. they laughed like mad. =/
good friends eh. (: we fooled around again. i love this
times of ours. it's kinda sad when youu see this memories
fade away and then youu never get t go through such
experiences with the friends youu love. i still cannt absorb the
fact that sam is retaining and leaving our clique. well, my class
clique will then be smaller. one gone, four left.

...

friday.
wear what youu like day and achievers day.
what a boring day it is. i guess its the worst
last day of school ever. =/ the performances
were lousy. the MCs were dead rotting on the stage.
ohh well got a shocked when our class won
the wear what youu like day thing. ran up the
stage - last minute thing - t collect LOLLIPOPS.
okay i hate stage limelights. ha, i just shake like mad.
went t meet the vp. i got so pissed. i failed by 5 marks
only and my parents had t come t meet principal and vp ?
wth. and i was higher than those who stayed in class.
what is this ? bullshit. got me so irritated and angry.
and even turned me off by those who just irritate me.
helped carry table in the hall. i hate ms yeong. mr poh
asked for chairman and wasnt there.
so asked for vice chair - me.\
ms yeong was like ' there. that one la. '
what's her fcuking problem ? i helped okay.
donnt make it sound as if i didnt. youure so irritating
that i wished youu never even had t come and teach us.
it just pushes my self-esteem down and my outreach limited.
at least mdm kee is grateful t give choc t her chairman, vice
and attendance monitress. all my months of helping youu in
absence of nicole was just a waste of my effort. youu,
as a teacher, donnt appreciate the help youu get.
stop treating the class committee as youur maid. we donnt
serve youu, we serve the class and the school. PFFT.

went t tamp. nothing much.
bought flower for my dearest boy.
its our thirteen anniversary.
i thought he forgot, he thought i forgot.
hmm donnt bluff me. =x
hahas. went t yishun. unprepared cos i just woke up.
supposed t present the flowers nicely but he saw me
hidding it. ha, so he said he pretended that he didnt
see anything. LOL. okay. walked around then took
train t meet guan sheng. went t cell. was super early.
7pm. ha, so went t annalyn's house. got a shocked
when bro alvin suddenly appear in my face. i gave a
shock inhale. he said ' wa, youu gave me a shock. ' LOL.
more like the other way. guan sheng and i were like so
nervous cos afraid that he might use the early time t
counsel us. but he didnt. (: more people came.
more crap. (: hahas.

cell was good.
bro alvin prayed for me a pretty long prayer ?
and guess what, something gross spoilt the atmosphere.
his salivia spat on my lips while prayin for me.
gosh, i so badly wanna wipe it.
and when he walked away, it DRIED ?! ohh gross.
ohh well. it spat spat spat on my left eye.
three jackpot salivia. =/
after cell, guan sheng got counselled.
joan and liqian and me waited for him at the bus stop.
he looked super pissed. he told us what happened.
in the train, joan told me something that super
super super pissed me off.

t HER and HIM -
i can see that the both of youu are living a perfect life
where the both of youu are superglues and also,
pleasing and impressing the leaders with
youur oh-so-big information of almost everyone.
i can see youu guys try t please the members too.
i would love t tell youu that,
youu can please the leaders
but youu can never please the leaders
and the members at the SAME time.
i must say that YOUU, must have got
a oh-so-big-huge-itchy mouth.
donnt youu have got anything better
t say than tell other people about
something that doesnt even involve youu ?
are youu the female lead for that incident. NO.
donnt bother. but youu wanna spread eh.
i must say youure contagious and disgusting.
stop acting cute cos i think its gross.
i guess i look cuter than youu
WITHOUT even having t act cute.
gawd, youure sucha turn down and a turn off.
i was wrong about youu.
infact, i should have never even go so close t youu.
i trusted youu so much, shared with youu some secrets.
youu disappoint me. youu hurt my feelings.
i cried over youu girl.
im no longer a lesbian but youu were a friend t me.
just when i thought i found the friend of my life,
everything revealed itself.
youu are just a dirt bag. a stink ball.
nobody should actually go near youu
and tell youu secrets
except youur dearest boy
who might also share the same personailty.

does that baoping incident affect youu ?
does it concern youu ?
go away in youur bikinis t suntan la.
mind youur own damn business.
so what if youu were "concern" that time
about that incident. does it put youu in the
scene and give youu the right t tell others about it.
shut youur damn mouth
or youur braces are gonna snap.
youu told someone the incident and ended off
saying that everything is alright now
- WHATS THE POINT BITCH.
and thanks alot of adding,
' donnt use ryan, victoria and guan sheng as examples.
they are not good examples. '
wow, fuck youu.
i think youu and youur boyfriend can just go suck up t
the leaders for all youu want.
i donnt give a damn. stupid backstabbers.
God keeps His promises. get this right.
we made a promised not t tell anyone about our secrets.
im so sorry for myself,
youu broke it so many decades ago,
so many billion times.
please learn how t be a friend
before youu wanna suck up t the leaders.
if not, im so sorry but i guess everyone is against youu.
nvm, youu got YOUUR DARLING and the damn leaders.
youu disappoint me so greatly.
youu and youure big mouth.
no wonder it looked so weird t me.
its big and huge.
im sorry for being so mean.
be careful of mosquitoes.
its dengue season.
they might enter and bite youu. (:
donnt think youur approved r/s
gives youu the right t backstab
and sabotage others.
i detest youu. i regretted becoming
youur so-called "twinnie". its gross.
i donnt even know why
people said we looked alike last time.
cos i think i donnt have sucha big mouth.

WATCH IT, BITCH.

Saturday, October 22

3:08 PM

the macho family (:

2:31 PM

wednesday.
went novena square with my boy. i was supposingly late,
but someone ard, donnt know disappear where. ha, walked
around till his nose bleed LOL. i guess he saw my reflection =x
haha, went t toys'R us t play. then headed t town. went plaza
sing. ate at long john's. had some heart t heart talk. mm, it
was so serious till i accidentally raised my hand t tell him
something. laughed like mad ? =/ how embarrassing. went t
heeeren and cine. yupp was tired alr. so headed home.
i sent him home, how gentlemen of me. (:

thursday.
went t my boy's house with my brother. okay i was so frustrated.
waited almost two hours. i was feeling so nauseous still, ohh well.
watched initial D while my bro played ps2. mm, went t play bball
after that. okay i guess they arent used t my bro's and my roughness.
kept complaining. complain kings. =x had dinner at his place then
went arcade. played that para thingy ? its embarrasing and a wastee
of money. ohh well, i learnt my lesson - i cannt jump and dance. (:
had fun though.

friday.
donnt wanna elaborate much about school but i did really
badly for my exams. two retainees in class. i donnt wanna
be one of them. =/ sigh, pray for me please. sometimes, i
really donnt know if God is ever there. i feel so tired and
weak now. i prayed, attend cg, attend service but my studies
donnt seem better. i prayed for it, does God ever hear and
answer my prayers ? im losing hope. my faith is dying.
i quit going cg, inface i dread going t cell. it was never the same.
i was on fire for everything, now im like shit. a piece of dead numb
shit. im losing the fire. i lost it, have i lost the battle ?

...

went t sherie's house in the evening. met daphne and mr der at my
house. mr der was super early i must say. =x we walked t eslynn's
house. LOL. i led them t the wrong way. sorry ! accidents do happen
youu know. (: mr der kept stepping on my slipper. and my big toe was
swelling alr. LOL. she kept scaring us la. it was so creepy and t add on,
there was a wake there too. met eslynn then went t her house t use the
toilet then blow dry our pesiration. went t wait for bus 24. took it t sherie's house.
siew cheng and laura was there alr.

after everyone arrived, took photos photos and more photos (:
i loveee them ! had our barbeque food. thanks t her mum who's
doing the cooking. (: i love the sausages LOL. they kept telling us
the size of the sausage LOL. 3 inches ? HA, i told them i want a
keyboard long sausage lol. debrah said donnt have but she passed
me this big and juicy one. LOL. =x girls fun. we went t the playground
and play the see-saw. deprived childhood LOL.
we played wild see-saw okay. it was so wild and scary.
played ice and water. GOSH, debrah is scary la. like some sadako
chasing youu. ha, played till everyone was all sweaty and smelly.
had our girls gossip up at the playground. debrah and sherie and hilda
was gross. i said i couldnt breathe. sherie said my bra too tight ?
debrah continued on the fake phone call. -.- donnt wanna elaborate
what they say. LOL. its censored. yimin came, eslynn ard, try t sneak
her in lol. we're smart. reveal yimin LOL. played zero point. everyone
started t get tired. yup. everyone started t talk on the phone. (:
i missed my boy. went t the poolside t camp LOL. we looked like campers.
i was so sleepy and tired alr lol.
called my dad then went home. fetched siew cheng home then eslynn called me.
then picked eslynn and her gf at the bus stop then fetched them home. ohh well.
i still feel empty. =/

i always wanted youur presence.
i always longed for youu.
its been over a year.
that every day i needed youu,
youu didnt seem t be there.
do youu even hear my prayer ?
do youu even answer them ?

i cannt retain.
i donnt wanna retain.
please help me.

Tuesday, October 18

8:48 PM

I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
Throwing their love away
I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

I don't want to go another
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride
In our privated lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you
We'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you
Baby, you're with me

So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts
So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

...

i donnt wanna migrate la.
it seemed so easy last time.
it's so hard now.
i wonnt let go our love.
i wonnt give up my friends.
i love everyone here.
i love Singapore.
KEEP ME HERE. (:

8:20 PM

havent been updating.
saturday. went t malaysia. went t jean yip t cut my hair. (:
ah, saw that handsome hunk. ohh well, he was busy.
ha, a cute guy came up t help me. (: LOL hes the cute
guy there now. i prefer him. he washed my hair and talk
so much lol. okay my hair was nice that day. ONLY that day.

sunday. went church. okay service was great. after service,
heard about some stuffs. horrid stuff. i was scared but yet,
irritated and frustrated. i feel so controlled. hello, i still live
my life. ohh well, got counselled for the building fund. i got
no money t fulfil. so therefore, im cutting down on my spending.
man, i will get counselled soon again. i hate all this. the thought
of leaving the cell and just going church had came t my mind but
i cannot always live like that. no fellowship and stuff. it sucked.
went t khatib mac. it was so cold la. donnt know who, kept taking
my slippers and throwing it away. super malu la. ohh well.
i got enough of all this hiding and counselling.
leave me alone.

monday.
had maths paper two. okay so dead. so difficult. ohh man,
please moderate me up. =/ okay, went t my dear boy house.
watched european gigolo. quite censored lol. but ohh well,
funny too. not much t my expectations. (: nvm. had fun playing pool lol.

today.
accounts paper one. okay la. after school, went tamp.
made a mess at kfc. arm wrestling, made so much noise.
many people were watching us lol. eslynn was weakest link
cos mable defeated her. lol but soon, eslynn was promoted
and mable but back t square one. LOL. sherie's strong. ya.
went sherie's house. the bus ride was chaotic. eslynn strip me la.
i was facing the bus somemore. then started pulling my hair.
ah, madness. watched teevee at sherie's house for the whole day.
fell asleep at mid afternoon. ohh well went home at 6.40pm.

TANNING ANYONE. (:

please donnt make it so obvious.
im pissed.
turned off.

Thursday, October 13

2:24 PM

if youu were mine
i'd be youur everything
and youu'd be the only thing
that i would ever need
if youu were mine
i would tell everyone
that youu are the only one
that i could ever want

the thing I dream about
everything I talk about
one thing i can't live without
i want to get closer to youu
i cann't stand being far away
knowing youu donn't feel the same way
but youu know it brings tears to youu eyes

all the words I sing about
all the letters I write about
all the things I want to hear about
so when I get closer to youu
i know there's someone else
and he's only thinking of himself
it doesn't make any sense for youu t be lonely

lemme be the one youu share youur hopes and dreams
youu'll never be alone again
cause i will hold youu endlessly
please donn't be afraid to let youur broken heart guide youu
into these open arms that long t surround youu

1:47 PM

i'll never find another lover
sweeter than youu
i'll never find another lover
more precious than youu

all my life i prayed for someone like youu
i thank God that i finally found youu.
all my life i prayed for someone like youu
and i hope that youu feel the same way too.
yes, i pray that youu do love me too.

said i promised t never fall in love with a stranger,
youu're all i'm thinking of.
i praise the Lord above,
for sending me youur love,
i cherish every hug and kisses,
boy i really love youu.

youu're all that i've ever known,
when youu smile on youur face all i see is a glow,
youu turned my life around,
youu picked me up when i was down,
youu're all that i've ever known,
when youu smile youur face glows,
youu picked me up when i was down
youu're all that i've ever known,
when youu smile youur face glows,
youu picked me up when i was down and
i hope that youu feel the same way too,
yes i pray that youu do love me too.

...

havent been updating.
most of the papers are gone. =/ im stressed.
ohh well. have been having countless nightmares
at night and even at the exam hall, when i doze off.
i ended up shaking when i woke up. sigh. i donnt
wanna retain. if only things could be easiler. if only
we didnt need t study but play. studying is boring. =/
ohh well. was under a fever yesterday. bad flu too.
it was horrible. i wouldnt have gone t school if not
for the exam. ohh well.

went t eslynn house on tuesday i guess. maths was
alright la. mm miss choo wasnt on medication,
she almost exploded in the room, leaving my life
in danger lol. shes mad and violent. and jealous. i
kept complimenting that cute danga of hers, she said
she was cuter and thought i would take her photo. =/
ohh well, that cat was sure cute. (: and yes, met my boy
yesterday. GOSH, i waited for an hour plus for him at
bishan mrt and my shoulders were killing me. freakin
heavy bag. ohh well. (:

got disappointed today. my accounts paper two. didnt
read the question. i did all three. and i was supposed t
choose one outta two. what the freaking shit i did. mdm
kee is so gonna mark number two and im gonna fail. =/
im so irritated by that. and yes, i handed up my work
shadowing form and i guess some irresponsible teacher
didnt hand in. ohh well, only some were chosen. i need t
get a job during hols. there's so much i wanna spend on,
not forgetting my building fund. AYE.

tomorrow is a holiday since i do not have a paper. (:
going out with eslynn. maybe pooling after that.
im so excited for the papers t end. i got loads of activities
planned. LOL. TANNING ! (: ohh well.

(: LOVES.

Sunday, October 9

11:44 AM

i'm moving through the crowd
trying t find myself
feel like a guitar that's never played
will someone strum away.

i'm moving through the crowd
trying t find yourself
feel like a doll left on a shelf
will someone take me down.

and i ask myself
who do i wanna be
do i wanna throw away the key
and invent a whole new me
and i tell myself
no one, no one
donn't wanna be
no one
but me.

my life lays out on the shadows of the wall
i turn the light on to release it all
i wonder what's it's like to not feel worthless
so open all the blinds and turn those curtains

...

12:07 AM

im super stressed.
darn monday. i thought it was maths.
i studied and practiced maths for like days ?
till yesterday, daphne and the rest told me it was
BIO + PHYSICS + SOCIAL STUDIES.
how great. i havent touch them.
God, HELP ME. =/

yesterday.
after school, went tamp with eslynn and sam.
sam practically went mad over the machines ?
and she met her beloved. LOL. (: bubuchia.
she went t borrow money from her and used up
all the money tonging machines. and she gave me
this ugly ugly nightmare before christmas keychain.
LOL. gave my brother. (:

was super early for cell. met guan sheng at khatib.
went bishan t meet jackson. jackson was pathetically
pleading guan sheng for a dollar LOL. i said i lend,
they say better not. later he come find us. MAD. -.-"
went cell after that.

friendship with her used t be fun, real, ensuring. now,
we arent the same anymore. infact, we arent really friends
now ? freak. why is it always a misunderstanding in all this.
church is where we fellowship, praise and worship God and
t get t know one another. it's more like a game.
game of broken telephone.
WHY. cos' everyone are passing wrong messages. either t
sabotage someone or just by accident. what's wrong with
this world man. ohh well. =/

huiling didnt know i was sec 3. she thought i was J1 or sec 4.
she practically freaked out when bro alvin called the sec 3s.
LOL. funny one. sermon was about problems. i've got ALOT
of problems. friendship. studies. financial. relationships. blah
blah blah. the list goes on. SHEESH. =/ how awkward can it
get. went down t the kitchen t visit amanda's dog. GOSH, its
super cute. it wouldnt bite and growl. all it does is shy around
and wag its tail like a bimbo LOL. the maid got me t carry the
dog. GOSH, my heart was pouncing out. nervous. vivid images
of tara came back. its just my phobia of dogs. eversince tara
attacked my brother. that scene never left my mind. it frightens
and hurts me. i loved tara so muchhh. t think she did such things
t hurt me. sounds stupid but she teared when i glared at her in
tears, i remembered. that was the last time i saw her.
): SIGH. i miss tara.

went home with guan sheng, joan and liqian. ameila told me she
dreamt about me the night before. that bro alvin announced that i
was leaving cellgroup. GOSH. i freaked out but seriously speaking,
i donnt wish t stay like, ETERNITY in this same cell group right.
ameila said she didnt want t see my ugly face. neither do i. LOL. (:
i was super urgent in the bus. LOL. practically ran out and chiong t
the ladies with joan. bought a drink and got home at midnight.
was stressed out, didnt know what t do with three subjects i have
not touched.

today.
woke up super early. supposed t study but didnt felt like it.
went t mac with my family for breakfast. after that, we didnt
feel satisfied. went t the market. the one i always went when
i was young. it really brought back many memories. i didnt
step in that market for almost 5 years i think. and didnt play
in that park for tons of decades. MAN. i miss those days.
had laksa. i ate laksa three days in a row. GOSH, im fatter.
somehow, i wanna be anoroxic. whatever youu spell it.
but its dangerous. i donnt wanna die so soon man. i shall be
HALF of that. LOL.
had piano. then went t tamp. collected my handphone.
bought my new bottle. headed t town with ryan. im SUPER SAD.
had t exchange my metallic bag for another colour. now it's
bronze/gold. ya ): super sad over it. but nvm .metallic colour was
coming out. i gave attitude t the owner lol. so that he will let me
replace it LOL. okay walked around town then headed home.
studied at mac alone. i did one chapter ONLY..
sigh. stressed.

my dad is very irritating.
i donnt like him.
PFFT. i donnt like him like mad.
if only i could replace him,
all he know is shout and use comp.
useless. =/
just my luck.
he donnt deserve my respect.
kick me out for all i care.
i donnt care a single bit.
child abuse.
fuck it.

Tuesday, October 4

8:41 PM

youu are who youur are for a reason.
youu're part of an intricate plan.
youu're a precious and perfect unique design,
called God's special woman or man.

youu look like youu look for a reason.
our God made no mistake.
He knit youu together within the womb,
youu're just what he wanted t make.

the parents youu had were the ones he chose,
and no matter how youu may feel,
they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
and they bar the Master's seal.

no, that trauma youu faced was not easy.
and God wept that it hurt youu so ;
but it was allowed t shape youur heart
so that into his likeness youu'd grow.

youu're who youu are for a reason,
youu've been formed by the Master's rod.
youu're who youu are, beloved,
because there is a God (:

***

sunday.
havent been updating.
went t church for bible study at supposingly 11.15am.
i was super late ; resulting reaching at 11.45am.
and worst, i embarassed myself at pasir ris interchange.
AH, i was rushing t the train, tripped over the stairs and
fell on my knees. =/ im wearing skirt and i donnt wanna
know further details of eye witnesses. people were alr
giggling and the lady next t me got a shocked and helped
me up. how careless can i get.

i got my favourite metallic bag with me (: my precious gave
it t me. but im getting a heart attack over it. the metallic colour
are sticking on me and itself. its turning pink. GOSH, i try t get
a new one. heart breaker. ohh well. had bible study.
alison and annalyn are joining ministry. i havent thought about it.
music ministry takes alot of commitment and skill. i donnt
have the skill yet. so i guess next time. (:

went t jurong point with them. ate at macdonald's. met moo moo.
mr bobby yeo weiliang. LOL. annalyn was seriously tempted till
i fed her, she denied being tempted. hahas. alison, bobby and i
were rushing t eat lol. took a cab t church. service started alr.
(: it was great. bobby's lame. he needs a wheelchair. he tried t
test me the 6 key points, but he couldnt name all. LOL. after
service, went t the rooftop. bobby and bro alvin seems t have
alot t talk about. guitar, soccer .. MAN. ohh well. had ice cream
and donuts t eat. i ate 7 ice cream and 0 donuts. (:
ice cream : donuts
7 : 0
thats maths. (: ohh well. bobby's wound is HUGE. ah, its sick.
ohh well. hahas, left church. we went t kfc. intending t meet my
precious but guess what, he told me he was at the bus stop.
and mr moo is a big fat liar ! he's "on the phone", busy snapping
photos. but ha, i gained a nice photo from him. (: good point.
and hes petty okay. gimme attitude. then somemore shift table.
LOL. went t the bus stop. okay i thought my boy was alone. but
surprisely, with my zone people. okay. he practically dao me even
when the bus came. so annoying. =/ but thank God, mr cow was
there. ohh well.

in the bus was crap. LOL. i kept hitting guan sheng's leg. guan sheng
kept playing with my hair. it made me wonder if he has ever got long
hair. LOL. bobby act smart. =x he thought my birthday was on 19 sept.
what date was that man ! the date he made me his kitty cat. but it was
NOT my birthday. he acted so sure lol. hahas, and yes took photo. only
one was nice. LOL.

got down the bus. i was facing the sun. blinded by it - all i saw was white
light. okay, they started crowding arnd me. well, i kinda miss crapping
and chatting and going out with the zone people. but i guess it might
never happen again. they are the *inkast. [ whatever word is that ] im the
outkast. ohh well. shawn said i got a blur face. chunting said no surprise. i
always got the blur face. =/ AH, is that so ? LOL.

took train with precious and bobby. it was monotone. so quiet and stuff.
my boy was tired. bobby was busy with his mp3. okay. ohh well, went bugis
with precious one. (: it was horribly quiet at first but ha, pretty fun after that.
kept playing at the gift shop. LOL. he said i looked like a frog. stupid PIG.
went t tamp, ate there. went home. (:

monday.
english and chinese paper one.
i was super tired.
went out with eslynn and daphne t tamp.
met my boy. something was wrong.
went t library, did physics. then he left.
went out with him. he didnt trust me and
thought i fell for someone else. whatever.
i was super pissed. i was super tired of
all this. accusing me of liking someone else.
FINE. it pulled me t the extreme. i took my phone,
showed him my call register and i was losing my
integrity and patience. i said nothing is going on,
he accused me. i started t cry. my love was fading.
i was super super pissed t the extreme. i felt
misunderstood. and i didnt care if he knew that.
time t time, *youu always thought i liked someone if
i was too close t that person or my messages/smses
were crappy or intimate. im comfortable with that. i
know my feelings well. youu donnt have t doubt me.

from that moment, i just didnt want t get up. i just wanna
cry forever. i thought our one year proved nothing but
more insecurity. i thought it was useless. this r/s is
going nowhere. one year alr, still like that. its bull shit.
i hate being treated like that. i want my freedom t have
friends and t have fun with them. not being so restricted.
this is not how a real r/s should be like. im sorry i didnt
trust youu. first, it was baoping's incident. now, leona's.
its killing me. its depriving me of my trust. i donnt know who
t put my trust in. i just donnt wanna know who - please donnt
force me t trust whoever it is.

went t the garden nearby. was persuaded t go his house.
reluctantly went. i had no feelings. i was numbed. nothing
seemed right. i was thinking twice about us. i thought if one
year - 365 1/4 days wasnt even enough t make youu feel
secure. how long more ? i hate it. but indeed, music makes
me lighten up. i tried t close and seal up that matter. even
though goosebumps were still showing. goosebumps appears
when my heart is hurting badly and i donnt have a chance t cry.
cabbed t the hairdresser. got t snipped his hair. he looks better
now. (: ate laksa. nice.
went home.

today.
english and chinese paper two.
chinese is screwed up. i hate chinese.
i was practically sleeping and crawling on the table.
i think God loves giving me dreams and music.
whenever i sleep in class or whenever im tired,
i dream and what accompanies it, is music.
if only God tells me i've a purpose in that.
ohh well. went t tamp with daphne, der, debrah, eslynn
and samantha. went t starbucks and study. okay daphne
and i went shopping together first LOL. bought sushisss.
came back when the sky dropped LOL. studied physics.
went t the new neoprint shop. cool. then we got stuck onto
the arcade glass. watching people trying t win electronic
stuff. I WANNA PLAY. (:

went home. got so tired. played the piano then dozed off.
ohh well. tmr's school day. AH, HELP.

precious : i just merely wanna post my feelings here.
no offence. lovees.

bobby : cheer up moo.
people may refuse youur love or reject youur message,
but they are defenseless against youur prayer.
donnt be so affected by the things that's happening t youu.
live youur life t the fullest. every second is precious (:

Saturday, October 1

5:46 PM

cosset girl.
thats me.
my word.
my game.
(:

my face is scar-ed. did i say it hurts ?
audrey scratched me with her kitty cat paw.
ah, the mirror cracks. LOL. well, it's bound t happen.
playing so rough in captain's ball is pretty normal.
i should really consider joining rugby next time. (:
ohh well. i didnt know its unnormal for a girl t have
arm muscles. is it ?

we were arm wrestling till they found out that im macho.
(: okay they said im a man. RAAARRR.
arent they scared ? LOL. well well, macho meeee.
compliment. =DD my muscles are aching now.
i could wrestle all till i tried mr der,
my muscles started t tear. pain okay. ohhhh well.

went for dental yesterday.
she asked me if i lost weight,how would i know ?
she said i looked like i did. uh huh.
i fell asleep for 20 mins while the dentist was
putting the wire. GOSH, embarrassing.
she had t wake me up by hitting my face
and say " VICTORIA ! VICTORIA ! "
ah, i died of embarrassment. and she kept telling me
that i must come back even if i donnt wanna
do my filling there - it's alright. [ she said ]
i think they thought i was petty. xiao qi gui.
okay whatever.

took a cab from katong t upper thomson road for cell.
AH, brother alvin said he would pay. but well,
i think i better dig some money out from my building fund
i was trying t save and return him. =/ back t square one.
okay, reached cell. i had a grand opening. LOL.
it was testimonial time and bro alvin welcomed me openly.
cool. (: went home with guan sheng. poor him,
had t carry my box. my boy had t carry the boxes for me
during dental. ha, hard t keep guan sheng's balance by hooking legs.
but hmmm, nice try. (: he was nice t wait for my bus t come
and entertain me with his catholic high stories.

mango cake.
yummy (:
i feel like a pig.
but im still victoria.

people always tell me this is part of the plan
that God's got everybody in his hands
but i could only pray that He is listening
is he listening